Programming note: Stop in on the Substack app for a livestream with and at 12p ET today!

The best Washington operatives use these inalienable, self-evident truths lurking just beneath the surface, leveraging rarely articulated codes to do the people ((( Ian, you’ve got a dropped sentence here. And welcome back, I can’t reimburse psychedelics … yet. TL )))   

Freshman, rookies, tourists representing swing districts, today I will teach you how to stand out among the thousands of other high school class presidents living the power jockey lifestyle. Veteran swampers, you probably know these tricks already, here’s hoping they stay relevant long enough to cement the attention and weekend anchor slot you so richly deserve.

And to all, a hearty welcome to what historians have already dubbed the America First Golden Retribution Forever Reunion Tour 2.0. ((( Dude, has anyone actually called it this? I’m searching Twitter and am now being asked if I would like to trade my Medicare benefits for gold. Wtf. TL)))

Step 1:  Three letters good, four letters bad

It’s important to get yourself a solid one-to-three-letter nickname.  To be known by letters unlocks a peak Washington elite achievement.  FDR, JFK, LBJ, MLK, RFK (x2), W, DJT, MTG, AOC. Most of the time one’s initials suffice, but there are exceptions: ABE, CAL, IKE. 

Be careful to obey the rule, though. “Jeb!” never worked because it’s actually 4 characters. Any savvy reporter will tell you, exclamation points are the stuff of 9th grade girls who still dot their “i” with a circle or a heart. (((Wait, I thought everyone did that. TL ))) The type of youngster found in a certain former congressman’s Venmo account. Nonetheless, reaching for “Jeb!” as a catchy nickname only forever connects the candidacy to the same ash heap that includes “Lamar!”   

With more serious institutions, the more likely one is to find a subtle pecking order.  SCOTUS watchers know that ACB and KBJ have a long way to go before they reach the heights of Notorious RBG, but the three-letter nickname rule means that they are well on their way despite being the most recently added jurists.

Step 2: Brook the part

Every suit is empty when it comes into this earthly realm. Only you can fill it.

For two generations, Brooks Brothers and J. Press were necessary fashion staples that showed you belong.  But today’s tribalism demands standing out rather than blending in. (((This seems contradictory, but I’ll let it stand. TL))) 

Whatever your style, be sure to include mentions of how HRC invented the pantsuit or how Reagan’s penchant for brown suits won the Cold War (just don’t do a tan suit).  Georgetown-type locals won’t flinch and may even feign acceptance.   

Remember how outraged the stuffy set was after the anti-crudité crusader John Fetterman won his Senate race and rolled into town with a hoodie and basketball shorts?  He rejected fashion customs, but kept the Senate’s collegial ones and boom: he’s this week’s buzzy posterchild for bipartisanship. 

Zuckerberg used to have a hoodie when he was America’s first ivy-league nerd, taking on the jock brothers. But now, as a grownup Washington influencer, he’s got the MMA gold chains, a jacked-up jiujitsu bod and boxy ‘90s T-Shirts. Add an appearance on Rogan and the transition from geeky guru to macho Marky Mark is complete. (((Good eye, brother Ian, I knew that get up was inspired! TL)))

NYC has the Met Gala red carpet.  DC’s got the State of the Union red carpet. On SOTU evenings, consider taking a cue from Rep. Troy Nehls who turned heads last year with a Trump mugshot undershirt and a star-spangled bowtie provocatively worn a la Chippendales sans shirt collar. Très chic, Monsieur.  

And like Paris, DC fashion is not without its icons.  Nancy Pelosi’s a generational talent whose shrewd fashion sense dominated an entire news cycle simply by wearing flats instead of her ever-present signature high heels. Her boldness and impeccable timing caused such a stir that no one seemed to notice the walker.     

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Step 3: Project persecution with poise and polish  

Implement a mutli-step daily hydration regimen and get yourself a high-end purifying mask. (But if you start talking about Huey Lewis and the News’ finest albums, don’t be surprised if someone calls the cops, or the Orange County Sheriff’s office.)

Perpetual outraging requires total commitment to the lifestyle. And self-care is public care.  What’s good for you is also what’s good for Them The People.  

Politics rewards bold forward thinking. Get rid of the snakeskin boots and beware the beastly botox of years past.  Ignore this warning at your peril.  It’ll sting when you catch wind of the whispering behind your back about how your style is so January 5^th. 

Save the callouses for your overworked thumbs. A loofah removes impurities and softens the skin. Steel wool strips away the first layer. Hyrdate, exfoliate. Repeat until your epidermis is smooth, shiny, and paper thin.  

Learn to flop like Lebron – without contact. Switch between strength and frailty as the situation permits.  Then when wandering tourists or aggressive reporters get within spitting distance and request attention, blame your staffers or better yet, file that police report with confidence.  If no one pays for disrupting your walking path, did you make a noise?     

When you’re in the green room of your favorite cable news outlet, don’t be afraid to turn another’s guest’s anxious conviviality before the hit into the prickly affront it really is.

But beware, manufactured assault is as fleeting as a mention in PM Playbook. 

Well-cultivated victimhood is the roux in your jambalaya, a chef’s paradox. The thing that makes it all stick together, yet also tasteless and invisible — and you friend are neither of those. Now season the dish with exotic one-of-a-kind ingredients that guarantee at least as much tongue-wagging as the $20 burger at Le Diplomate.   

True Doctors of these techniques generate collective national outrage en masse, flipping the axis of the political world from one end to the other at will. 

For example:

Yesterday’s Beta-take: The Evil Globalists Bent on World Domination must be thwarted at all costs. 

Today’s Alpha-take: Let’s see Schumer get to 60 votes once we add six more GOP Senators from Canada, Greenland and Panama. 

Ignore this information at your own risk.  You wouldn’t be the first starry-eyed dreamer this town chewed up, spit out, and sent back home. Which might not be the worst thing in the world. Gold chains fetch a nice return at the pawn shops ringing the Gulf of America.

“The Booboisie” is penned by veteran communicator, , a paean to H.L. Mencken, who popularized the portmanteau of “boob” and “bourgeoisie”, a century ago, and inspired by the man who injected the first half of said term into pop culture a half century later, P. J. O’Rourke. Walters writes with the grace of a cable pundit wrongly touched by another pundit, but also the caustic eye of a veteran software programmer concerned that scented candles are making you infertile. Walters is a professional piano player in the Washington metro region. In a previous life he was the longtime spokesman for the Conservative Political Action Conference.

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Friends, I’m pleased to reveal 24sight News’ newest column.

“The Booboisie” is penned by veteran communicator Ian Walters, a paean to H.L. Mencken, who popularized the portmanteau of “boob” and “bourgeoisie”, a century ago, and inspired by the man who injected the first half of the term into pop culture a half century later, P. J. O’Rourke. Walters writes with the grace of a cable pundit wrongly touched by another pundit, but also the caustic eye of a veteran software programmer concerned that scented candles are making you infertile.

All complaints can be written and hand-delivered to the SpaceX launchpad, Brownsville, TX. Just stand there a bit, look directly up into that big ol’ tube and hold still.

Cheers,

Tom LoBianco, co-founder 24sight News

You’ve heard it before, maybe even said it a few times yourself, “I’m sick and tired of these unelected bureaucrats ruining my life!”

Fortunately for you, elections have consequences. Help is on the way, in the form of new, fresh, innovative, unelected bureaucrats.

The Department of Government Efficiency is hard at work doing what dozens of seasoned politicians failed at decades prior. Simpson/Bowles? More like simps getting bowled over because they were too polite.

What America needs is more memeingful action.

To get there, they’ll have to expand the scope and size of the federal government.

(Your elitist friends may tell you that only Congress can truly create new federal departments, replete with mono-pour concrete buildings just off the 395 on-ramp in downtown Washington. They may even try to use big documents to argue that only Congress controls the power to cut spending. You just reply, ‘If you’re so smart, how come you lost the Latino vote?’”)

Worried the DOGE might not be up to the task? Concerned they might lack appropriate amount of “administrative experience”? Fret not. These guys are rich.

The power of their amassed fortunes reflect superior status. How many entities did you absorb into your empire today? Do you even disrupt, bro?

Instead of pleading with exhausted Democratic rank-and-file to pay the rest of what she owes her high-powered campaign consultants with multiple mortgages to make by the end of the month, Vice President Kamala Harris should submit the request to DOGE co-chair Elon Musk.

Trade deficits with China the size of one influencer’s daily earnings? Spending blowing past revenue faster than a quantum chip calculating whether a lawmaker will bend on the latest fighter jet program? Look to the entrepreneur with drastic rap tactics and a long history in the world of white-paper writing.

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Americans’ exhaustion with the promises and ditherings of Washington is easily understood.

On January 23, 1996, a sultry former Arkansas governor with a deep faith in the power of neckties said what Republicans had been saying for years earlier: ‘The era of big government is over.” 

Almost three decades later, lawmakers still shiver at the prospect of the death of Big Government. Which is why so many have formed concurrent DOGE caucuses in the House and Senate.

The immediate task is cutting $2 trillion from the larded federal budget has drawn intense interest from those with the most to lose.

The scolds of Congress, like Sen. Rand Paul, may protest that the overwhelming majority of federal spending is for the military and legally required spending on things like Social Security and Medicare.

But the newest federal department has shown us before even being formally created, that a blue check on X.com and a pro subscription to Canva is often mightier than the wealthiest wingtipped lobbyist in Washington or the most cantankerous libertarian.

But we citizen soldiers will have to do our part, too, in furtherance of the American Cause. Myself, I have said good riddance to Grey Goose vodkatinis. I put America first and switched to Tito’s. 

Should this brave effort to save our almost 250-year radical experiment in self-governance fail, there’s always Mars. (Wealthy, powerful experts will get to go, you should become one before it’s too late.)

And if you find yourself stuck down here after all the smart people have fled the planet, there will be new disruptors layering upon the white-papers of cost-saving crusaders past.

When they tell you they’re from the government and they’re here to help, just pour another Tito’s.

Ian Walters is a professional piano player in the Washington metro region. In a previuous life he was the longtime spokesman for the Conservative Political Action Conference. He writes The Booboisie regularly for 24sight News.

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